I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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