A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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