Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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