forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
