At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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