her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
