I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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