i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
