Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
