I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
