I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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