I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
