Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
