I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
