Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
