We're facebook friends in real life
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
