using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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