Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
