She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
