Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
