A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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