i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
