During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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