Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I came so hard my ears popped.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
