Don't make out with my wife yet
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
