I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
