I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
