god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
sarcasm needs its own font
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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