Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
