and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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