i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Randomize
