The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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