can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
