What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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