News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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