Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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