In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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