you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
