I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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