I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
