Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
