Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
