dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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