She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Houston, we have a blender
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
