Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
