i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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