still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
