I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
