I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
