I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
