dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
