You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
