this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
