i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
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i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
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Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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