can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
