My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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