If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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